This entry might not validate me whatsoever... It might not validate my existance... It might not make a very good point for me because I AM bipolar, as all of you know, and that is quite apparent from what happens in this conversation...
Background info: Trevor was my boyfriend... I guess that would make him my ex-boyfriend... and he's pretty much as fucking strange as they come... One time we went into Kortnie's house for the night and turned on the light and he was standing in the kitchen just like, staring at us... He's fucking strange but he's got a lot of problems... I imagine that he's probably crying right now, god knows I was... Not solely because of him... He was the frosting...
Also, thank god for my aunt Tina because she helped me out through this too...
***ME*** : Bored are ya?
Trevor M. : yeah
***ME*** : I could tell by your status
***ME*** : So, what's new?
Trevor M. : nothin much same old same old
***ME*** : Yeah, the beautiful life of Edmore
Trevor M. : yeah right
Trevor M. : it blows so much
***ME*** : Oh believe me, I know.
***ME*** : I'm still in high school...
***ME*** : I know how much it blows...
***ME*** : Especially since now that I'm the oldest class there, there is NO ONE mature with which to carry on a conversation
***ME*** : Not like there was when I was a freshman either but, hey.
***ME*** : I just can't wait... I'm either moving to Mt. Pleasant or Big Rapids.
***ME*** : I can't wait until my boyfriend gets out of prison
***ME*** : I can't wait until I graduate
***ME*** : I can't wait until I die.
***ME*** : Basically. [side note: i didn't say this because I want to die, I said this because all of this will happen for me as soon as hell freezes over, I'll die before then]
Trevor M. : wow thats nice
Trevor M. : aiming high
***ME*** : Hey, there ain't much lower than rock bottom
***ME*** : Even six feet under is out of my reach...
Trevor M. : doesnt mean u cant have more or work for more
***ME*** : I wish I could see the screen right now
***ME*** : I try and try and try... And I break down.
***ME*** : I'm too mentally incapacitated to do anything better...
***ME*** : I'll be on social security, living in an apartment with someone that doesn't like me smoking dope and shooting up heroin all day
***ME*** : comma between me and smoking
Trevor M. : you forgot having a boyfriend who is an ex felon
***ME*** : not an ex felon
***ME*** : This is like, going to be two weeks from now
***ME*** : I'm pretty sure I'm going to be homeless again here quick
***ME*** : I almost made it a year here.
Trevor M. : life is what you make of it it is a reflection of the choices we have made
***ME*** : Well, when even my choices that give me great gain somehow manage to envelope me in a wall of disgust, how am I supposed to want anything more?
***ME*** : I have NO self-confidence
***ME*** : I have NO mental health
***ME*** : I have NO money
***ME*** : I have NO license
***ME*** : I have NO diploma
***ME*** : I have NOthing
Trevor M. : hey all problems which can be solved by choices u make
***ME*** : Well, my choice is to get the fuck out of here
***ME*** : And where do I have to go?
***ME*** : To my dad's to get beat?
***ME*** : To some friends house that three months after I've lived there will discontinue the friendship without telling me?
***ME*** : To my mom's house where I can live with a bipolar/manic depressive/schizoid, an 8 year old with severe ADHD, and a 14 year old epileptic where everything would be on me again?
***ME*** : I can try and hold out until the spring and just sleep in the park I suppose
***ME*** : That worked well for me last time...
***ME*** : I was an alcoholic, but I had fun.
Trevor M. : again your choice
***ME*** : It's hard to make a choice where all the options have negative outcomes...
Trevor M. : if u choose to succeed u will if u dont then u fall deeper and darker into nothingness
Trevor M. : then u have to make positive outcomes for yourself
Trevor M. : there is always a choice
Trevor M. : its all on u
***ME*** : Ha, for once you're trying to give me advice.
***ME*** : Instead of vice versa
Trevor M. : because i have almost everything i have wanted
***ME*** : Even after how much of a fucking bitch I am to you...
Trevor M. : and honestly it isnt that hard
Trevor M. : because i know the one thing everyone will know
Trevor M. : i am going to be the best cop ever
***ME*** : Haha, you want to know what's REALLY ironic?
***ME*** : I want to be a psychiatrist
***ME*** : Or psychologist I mean
Trevor M. : good luck
***ME*** : None of that medicine shit, I'll get myself into trouble.
Trevor M. : your going to have to be even nicer and have kindness greater than mine
***ME*** : Honey, if I can somehow make it through high school, then through college... To become a psychologist... I'll never have to be a bitch again
***ME*** : Because one thing is for sure, I'm not going to be living in this podunk ass town in this shitty fucking state with all these ignorant judgemental redneck assholes.
***ME*** : Even though sometimes guys in cowboy hats are sexy...
***ME*** : That's not enough to keep me here.
Trevor M. : as i said good luck
***ME*** : I don't need luck...
***ME*** : I need some sort of intervention
***ME*** : Divine, government, SWAT, whatever it takes.
Trevor M. : sorry i dont help people with cons for boyfriends
***ME*** : Well I don't help ex boyfriends.
***ME*** : Normally...
***ME*** : He had three drunk drivings.
***ME*** : Not like he fucking killed a pig. [pig = cop]
Trevor M. : nice
***ME*** : Yeah, I guess knowing from the past and the present I sure know how to pick me some winners.
Trevor M. : hey i gave u a chance but hey your choice
***ME*** : you gave me a chance?
***ME*** : What are you talking about?
Trevor M. : u broke up with me
Trevor M. : and ironically look at yourself now
***ME*** : Trev, you're a good guy...
***ME*** : Thanks...
***ME*** : I lied.
***ME*** : I'm not sexually attracted to you.
Trevor M. : your chice
***ME*** : You were the longest relationship that I had until I met my current boyfriend.
***ME*** : I went out with you for three weeks.
Trevor M. : again choices
***ME*** : You know something... You sure can make me feel like a piece of shit for making a choice that ultimately benefited me...
***ME*** : I love the man I'm with right now...
***ME*** : I probably WON'T be with him for the rest of my life...
***ME*** : I can't handle commitment...
***ME*** : Character flaw.
***ME*** : Oh well. Either way I love him dearly.
***ME*** : I guess I'll just be a lonely old woman.
***ME*** : choices
Trevor M. : yeah i can see your choices have benefitted u greatly
***ME*** : blah blah blah
***ME*** : You don't know the first goddamn thing about me
Trevor M. : i know u like to preach and honestly from what i have heard u beign on top of that soapbox would be quite amusing sad and pathetic
***ME*** : Yeah, I have a felon boyfriend... He's the only person that's ever seen me with my clothes off. And he still loves me. I don't have any confidence in myself, woopty fucking doo...
Trevor M. : yeah so
***ME*** : Yeah, so.
***ME*** : Do you know what it's like to be treated like such a worthless piece of fat ugly shit your whole fucking life and find someone that loves you for who you are.
Trevor M. : choices
***ME*** : Do you know what it's like to get complimented for being beautiful, even though you know you're not?
***ME*** : But being reassured that you are nonetheless?
Trevor M. : u say that now
Trevor M. : however since i know the wonderful recividism rate of michigan it is but a fools dream
***ME*** : I don't care.
***ME*** : I don't care because for one second of my fucking life I was happy...
***ME*** : I was happy with someone, maybe he's not fucking perfect... Maybe he doesn't have a ph d.
Trevor M. : for someone who can argue u still can make a choice
***ME*** : Well I'd like to make the choice right now not to cry
***ME*** : But I can't, it's a natural thing that my body does.
***ME*** : Some people can, but I'm not one of them.
***ME*** : If I made the choice to be with a felon for one fucking second of happiness for my life...
Trevor M. : hey thats life it isnt fair, fair is where u go to get taken for a ride
***ME*** : Did I say life was fair?
***ME*** : Of all people I know life's not fair.
***ME*** : You don't have to preach to me about that.
Trevor M. : from the choices u made it sounds like i do
***ME*** : Don't fucking Balhorn preach to me about choices.
***ME*** : You're not my fucking dad, I don't have one... Been without one for this long so just let me do this on my own.
***ME*** : But the fact that you are so fucking inconsiderate to sit here and talk to me about something you don't even know about...
Trevor M. : hey did i say i was u made your choice
Trevor M. : i dont have to know u made your choice
***ME*** : To sit here and listen to make me feel like apiece of shit?
***ME*** : Here's my choice Trevor...
***ME*** : My choice is to fall off the face of the earth
Trevor M. : u made it
***ME*** : To smoke cigarettes so I can kill myself faster than I'm already dying right now...
***ME*** : To drink alcohol and have fun for one fucking second...
***ME*** : To have sex for five hours because I can
***ME*** : And here's another choice...
***ME*** : I choose NOT to listen to your boring ass sermon about my choices and how you think you can all of a sudden have something to do with them.... Even though this "choice" talk is because you don't want anything to do with this...
***ME*** : I'm an orphan...
Trevor M. : so
***ME*** : I'm alone... And self-sufficient... And that's all I'll ever need to be...
***ME*** : So...
***ME*** : You're a prick... It's funny actually...
Trevor M. : your life is what u make it
***ME*** : Oh how the tables have turned... Because MY choice was to tell you what was up...
Trevor M. : no they tell me u made your life the way it is
***ME*** : And I guess I'm just some sorry, pathetic, lowlife little girl in your eyes, huh?
Trevor M. : no
Trevor M. : your someone who needs help
***ME*** : And you're too good for that huh?
***ME*** : You're too good to sit down and fucking talk civally with me huh?
Trevor M. : no i dont talk civially to anyone who has a boyfriend
Trevor M. : my lonlieness has made me bitter sour and strong
***ME*** : Lonliness?
Trevor M. : duh
Trevor M. : do u really think anyone would want to be with me
Trevor M. : oh no they dont want the guy who could give them anything they could ever want love a life someone there oh no they want the guy who will treat them like a peice of shit
***ME*** : Not if you keep treating people like a piece of shit
Trevor M. : and when i see them after they have had this happen to them i spit on them
Trevor M. : they are weak
***ME*** : My boyfriend treats me like a fucking princess
***ME*** : You pulled a knife on me...
***ME*** : I'm comfortable with my boyfriend...
Trevor M. : noe
Trevor M. : now
***ME*** : I always had to look over my shoulder with you because you creep me out...
***ME*** : YOU are the one who needs help...
Trevor M. : nope ive passed all my tests
***ME*** : You're the one who feeds off other peoples misery only to ultimately make yourself more miserable than youa lready are
Trevor M. : plus i didnt get locked up in a mental hospital
Trevor M. : im not misrable im quite happy i just want them to wallow in there choices
***ME*** : So, because I've been locked up I'm worse than you?
Trevor M. : no but the evidence compared to myself and you isnt very convincing
***ME*** : Hold on...
***ME*** : So, because I have friends that actually like me because I'm fun and unique and worth hanging out with and you have friends that constantly talk shit about you behind your back, you're better than me?
***ME*** : Because I have talent in something other than wallowing in my own self-pity, you're better than me
***ME*** : ?
Trevor M. : well since all my friends are at college and i know u dont know my cop buddies i know that is a lie
***ME*** : Because I feel like killing half the people in Edmore, but don't ever try, you're better than me?
Trevor M. : ah yes smoking weed and shooting up is a hidden talent
***ME*** : I don't shoot up...
***ME*** : I'm very talented.
Trevor M. : u made your choice i made mine
Trevor M. : right
***ME*** : I'm a talented singer
Trevor M. : hahahaha
Trevor M. : sure has gotten u far
***ME*** : Laugh if you want, but what are you good at that makes you stand out...
***ME*** : I'm a talented actress..
***ME*** : Actually, it has. I'm going to be in a band out of Big Rapids and we're going to record a demo...
Trevor M. : i know im going to be a cop
Trevor M. : honestly if i didnt think everything u said was a lie.....
Trevor M. : i know thirty years from now i have a future
***ME*** : My acting has gotten me far in that Ferris and Alma and CMU have all offered me small scholarships to go there for school... To major in drama...
Trevor M. : and....
***ME*** : I'm going to be a psychologist...
***ME*** : Drama isn't a very promising career
***ME*** : It's a nice side project...
***ME*** : And I'm also good with people... And I know you're going to put some computer jarg like "lol" but it's true
Trevor M. : until they find you are writing your own perscriptions
Trevor M. : right\
***ME*** : If you had ANY knowledge at all, psychologists can't write prescriptions, only psychiatrists can
Trevor M. : provoke your patients isnt recommended by the state medical board
Trevor M. : wrong anyone with a dcotorite can
Trevor M. : dont preach law to me
Trevor M. : i spent far to many nights and far to many hours reading it and knowing it\
***ME*** : Well, when you come to me for an appointment because you're a lonely cop that's gotten your badge taken away for inappropriately touching your victims and you have to be psych eval-ed I'll make sure and hook you up with an extra dose of "Forgive me, I know everything"
Trevor M. : wrong
***ME*** : Katie F. [changed for Katie's benefit] says hi...
Trevor M. : when i arrest u for sleeping in the road because u got kicked out of your apartment for shooting up
Trevor M. : then i want to hear one thing
Trevor M. : help me
Trevor M. : thats all
***ME*** : But just because you think you know how to kill someone and hide the evidence doesn't make you cool...
***ME*** : Yeah Trevor... I'll ask you for help when I need it...
Trevor M. : i never said that
***ME*** : That first one was from Katie
***ME*** : Uh, you used to all the time when we went out
Trevor M. : must be nice to win by putting words in someones mouth
***ME*** : That was from Katie...
***ME*** : here's what you said "yeah, i could kill you right now and no one would know" on the way to Jan's with her and Kortnie
***ME*** : Or when you pulled a knife out and were doing some crazy shit with it...
***ME*** : You're weird, sincerely...
***ME*** : I'm not trying to win anything...
***ME*** : I don't need your approval
Trevor M. : hmmm dont remember that must be a side effect of the drugs u are on
Trevor M. : kind of funny
***ME*** : yeah... nice comeback
Trevor M. : people tend to believe those who dont get high all the time
***ME*** : here's another good one
***ME*** : "i know you are but what am I?"
Trevor M. : aww little words for little girls
***ME*** : Haha, this is thoroughly amusing...
***ME*** : It's funny because YOU are the one who is fighting with me about what I do behind closed doors...
Trevor M. : what the fact i know i can win or the fact u know i have won?
***ME*** : If I wanted to come to your house and fuck your dad, I would.
***ME*** : You have no say...
Trevor M. : your right i dont but then dont tell me u have a future
***ME*** : Won what? Like it's a competetion...
Trevor M. : its not
***ME*** : WHo are you to tell me whether or not I have a future?
Trevor M. : but from where i am sitting i have won everything
***ME*** : Yes, you have won everything
***ME*** : Becuase no one wants you...
***ME*** : Because you have proven an immense immaturity
Trevor M. : because from what choices u have so far made can only be a reflection on what choices u make in the future
***ME*** : Here's one choice, dick... I made the choice not to be with you.
***ME*** : And that was a good one.
***ME*** : I made the choice NOT to be abused anymore
***ME*** : And that was a good one...
Trevor M. : anything u say
Trevor M. : but hey u could be homeless anytime me i know i never will be
***ME*** : I can handle being homeless I have been before
***ME*** : It's not that much of an adversity
Trevor M. : i know i will always have money a license and a choice i will always remember that i will never regret
***ME*** : And I'll never regret being homeless
***ME*** : Because I have an entirely different perspective on life that you will never have so long as you're an arrogant dick.
Trevor M. : until u get arrested for trespassing
Trevor M. : or pocession
***ME*** : Come off your high horse and step into reality.
***ME*** : You're nothing more than I.
***ME*** : You have a license.
Trevor M. : i am in reality
***ME*** : You're enrolled in college.
Trevor M. : i know i have it good and that was a choice
***ME*** : You're not enthralled in a difficult double life...
Trevor M. : i made mine others made theres
***ME*** : But I tell you one thing...
***ME*** : There will never be anyone that looks down on me for having been homeless besides you...
***ME*** : Because I left you and now you're bitter and sour and I've moved on...
Trevor M. : because i know it was your choice
Trevor M. : im not bitter
***ME*** : Oh, but you are.
Trevor M. : im having fun enjoying your torment
***ME*** : You even said that exact statement about five minutes ago
***ME*** : Haha, I'm having fun enjoying your arrogance
Trevor M. : not because of you
Trevor M. : someone i knew at cmu
***ME*** : Well, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that...
Trevor M. : now she is dead from an overdose and her boyfriend strangling her
***ME*** : But instead of dwelling on it and making a big deal, if you're so fucking strong, why don't you move on and find something better.
***ME*** : You may have a future...
Trevor M. : i offered her everything i had
***ME*** : But who's in it with you?
***ME*** : NO ONE.
***ME*** : Because you can't just fucking realize that women are bitches and they do things just to hurt you [Note: The above statement about the OD and the strangling was NOT read until I posted this... That makes me sad]
Trevor M. : im bitter because people are so stupid when they make choices
***ME*** : But you know what... I'm happy.
***ME*** : I smoke pot, and I'm still happy...
***ME*** : I drink every now and again, and I'm still happy
Trevor M. : your bi polar
***ME*** : I do juvenile things like steal road signs and drive through fields, and I'm happy.
***ME*** : I am.
***ME*** : I know this.
Trevor M. : from the conversation we just had u displayed every classic symptom
Trevor M. : look here is my last ounce of help
***ME*** : Yeah... I've known that I'm bipolar for a few years now...
Trevor M. : get clean get help make better choices or what happens in the future will be far worse than either u or i can see
***ME*** : I've had help...
***ME*** : I've had anger management...
***ME*** : I've had a short rehabilitation...
***ME*** : (which is when I was locked up)
Trevor M. : im sorry but it is your choice.....
***ME*** : But there's no one that can help me except me.
***ME*** : Not you...
***ME*** : Not Dr. Theibert.
***ME*** : Not Dr. Severson...
***ME*** : Some people I meet through life will have a great impact on the decisions I make, but never will one be made for me...
***ME*** : I don't need help...
Trevor M. has signed out. (3/20/2005 8:22 PM)
***ME*** : I've got it under control...
***ME*** : And if you're going to run away like a little BITCH right now, twatty... Then it's quite obvious to me who's got the decisions in line... You may think that thirty years from now you have a future... Yeah, you're gonna be a pig... Yeah, you're gonna drive a cop car... Yeah, you're going to get paid... But what fun have you had today? Yesterday? What memories do you have to look back on and tell someone, "Yeah, I remember when..."? What mistakes have you made that you can make sure your hypothetical children don't? What lifelong connections have you made? You and your little five-0 friends that always have each others backs no matter what? I'm glad that you have that going for you... But thirty years from now, when I am doing something that I love that helps other people besides me...
***ME*** : (message 2) I'll be happy... I'll be happy to know that what I'm doing benefits others around me... Whereas your job benefits nearly only you... Traffic cops: pull people over for speeding when there's not much of a chance that they could have hurt anyone.... When I'm volunteering my time to people like me that "need help" and you have no one, I just want to hear one thing from you... And that's help me.
So basically... My Aunt Esmo is being a fucking douchebag and I want to kill her more than anything in my life... I'm probably going to move out here soon unless someone fucking listens to me when I'm talking because I'm speaking in volumes... And, I'm riding to school with Kath tomorrow... Thank god fer that shit!!!